Earlier this year, I met someone at a party. We were in the basement, and I saw her in a corner knocking on a wood pillar. In my head I was like, “What is she doing, checking the foundation?”. So I went up to her and asked, “How’s the foundation looking?”. She laughed, and we ended up hanging out the rest of the night. At some point she said, "You have such chaotic energy!" and it stuck with me. We're good friends now, but that comment got me thinking about how I approach people. I wouldn't say I'm extroverted, but I would say I definitely know how to talk to people.

The following week, I went to a few social events by myself. One of these was a dinner with strangers type of event. I went into it being aware of my "chaotic energy”. I didn’t make any long-lasting friends, but I did succeed in being entertaining and maintaining conversation with people I never met.

For the past few months, I've been trying to put this approach into words. I've explained it to a few of my friends already, and they thought it could help people who struggle with approaching someone they've never met before. I call this framework, "Let your intrusive thoughts win".

Now when I say “intrusive thoughts”, I’m not talking about the kind of thoughts that are bad or lead to distress, I’m simply talking about observations that are in your head when you see someone for the first time. This could be as simple as noticing the designs on someone’s jacket.

The key idea I’m proposing is letting these thoughts win, and using them to drive initial conversation. These kinds of observations lead to authentic spontaneity instead of you running though a mental checklist of, “What should I say?”.

You know the SF mantra of, “You can just do things”? Well guess what, you can just say things. Now of course there needs to be some filter. The goal isn't to blurt out every thought that crosses your mind and accidentally say something rude. But the framework is about getting comfortable with reducing your mental load when it comes to starting and maintaining conversation.

The most obvious application of this framework is for dating, but it really can be applied to any non-formal social situation. Before I get into specifics, I want to ground everything in the idea of magnetism.

Magnetism as a force

So what is magnetism in a social context? Charisma is typically defined as "a personal quality of magnetic charm". Magnetism is a force. It can push or pull. From a scientific standpoint this is clear, but within a social context, that magnetic force is very real. Think about times where you chose to sit next to someone because they were your best friend, or you moved closer to someone at a party because you thought they were attractive. What happened is you were literally pulled into their magnetic field. You still had agency, but that force was strong enough to influence your decision to be closer to that person. That's the pull, but there can also be the push.

When you go through a breakup, you actively avoid your ex. This magnetic push can be so strong that you change your daily routine to avoid coming into physical contact with them. And what happens if you do run into them? You get a weird feeling right? Now compare that feeling to what happens when you get pulled into someone's field. You initially feel good. After that initial force of magnetism is applied to you, you then experience a series of positive or negative charges, or charms.

Understanding this force is important because it's a natural force. Resisting a strong force of nature rarely ends well. In the case of social situations, resisting the potential natural flow of a conversation makes things awkward for both you and the other person. We all have our own field, or aura. We also all have the ability to amplify that field, making people want to enter and stay. So how do you actually do this?

Starting the conversation

When you see someone you want to talk to, they have an initial pull on you. If you actually want to approach them, you need to take action and enter their field. This is where you let your intrusive thoughts win.

The easiest way to enter someone's field is by making some kind of compliment. I recommend this because anyone can do it. It's low risk, and most importantly, it lowers the potential anxiety of the other person. It makes them feel good, loading them with a positive charge and setting the stage for your pull.

If you're going to go with a compliment, always have something to follow up with. For example, let's say someone has bright red shoes on. Don't just say, "Those shoes are so cool!". Say something more like, "Those shoes are cool, they look like ninja shoes!". You're not just making an observation, you're adding something else onto it, in this case a bit of humor.

Friend energy vs. interview energy

Now once you're in the other person's field, what do you say? The key is to mimic the rhythm you would have with an existing friend. You want to continue to let your intrusive thoughts, or observations, drive the initial conversation. Remember, at this point, you two don't know anything about each other. What you should NOT DO is start asking questions like it's an interview. If you make the other person feel like they are in a job interview, they will be more guarded and protective of their field. Now, I'm not saying you can't ask things like where you work or whatever, but the tone shouldn't feel like an interview. Those types of questions should come after you've built some initial pull. The stereotypical SF question of, "What are you building?", should not be your first question, it should be your 20th question.

So you start with a compliment. Then continue with your thoughts until you BOTH hit an actual conversation point where you can really learn about each other. You still need to have some kind of filter over your thoughts. Here’s an example of two observations:

• “That’s a Rick and Morty reference on their phone case”
• “They have dandruff on their jacket”

You obviously want to go with the Rick and Morty thought rather than the dandruff one. Now, you shouldn’t just say, “Oh do you watch Rick and Morty?”. Instead, you should do something like point to their phone and say, “That's one of my favorite episodes”.

I cannot emphasize enough how much this difference in tone matters. The first example, "Do you watch Rick and Morty?", gives off interview energy. It's a direct question that demands a direct answer. The conversation becomes formulaic: you ask, they answer, you ask another question, they answer. It's like playing catch: predictable, back and forth, safe but boring.

The second example, "That's one of my favorite episodes", is friend energy. It's a statement, not a question. You're sharing something about yourself while acknowledging what you noticed about them. Now they can respond in multiple ways: they might ask which episode, share their favorite, tell you they actually hate the show, or take the conversation somewhere completely unexpected. It's like playing jazz: unpredictable, dynamic, exciting.

Friend energy lowers the other person's guard because it doesn't feel like you're extracting information from them. The conversation can go anywhere. Interview energy puts pressure on them to perform and give "correct" answers. A job interview is literally one of the most stressful experiences someone can go through, so why make someone go through that when you’re first meeting them?

Within friend energy, humor naturally helps. A big part of humor is just saying the quiet part out loud. If you don't think you're funny, you're probably not taking enough risks in what you say. The more experience you get talking to people, the clearer this becomes. You can also be playful and tease people, but this is high risk, high reward. You need to have enough charge built up to land it successfully. If you try teasing someone without enough charge, you're going to miss and it'll come off weird or rude.

Confidence and reading the room

Now here's the thing. You could say all the right things, but if you hesitate or seem unsure, it won't land. Hesitation disrupts the magnetic field. It creates interference. Confidence is a clean, uninterrupted transmission of your energy.

Let's say you complimented someone's jewelry and they thanked you. Now you notice they're holding a book you've actually read. If you hesitate, it might look like this: you glance at the book, look away, wait a few seconds, then nervously say "Oh I think I read that one... was it good?" Your uncertainty makes them uncertain. They might give you a short answer and the conversation dies.

Now compare that to the confident version. You see the book and immediately say "How far are you? I thought it was slow at first but then it just got crazy." You committed to the observation instead of second-guessing whether it was the right thing to say. The confidence isn't about thinking you're amazing or that they'll definitely like you. It's about committing to the moment. That commitment is what allows your magnetic pull to actually work.

Body language is a whole topic that deserves its own dedicated post. There's a lot to unpack there. But for now, here's what you should know.

Body language matters just as much as what you say, maybe even more. The basics are simple but critical. Smile. Be genuinely excited to be in someone's presence. It makes them feel good and sets the tone for everything else. Make eye contact, but don't stare them down. You're not a laser beam locked onto a target. To a certain extent, you want to stay open to the rest of the room. This doesn't mean being dismissive or distracted. It means lowering their anxiety by not making them feel like they're under intense scrutiny.

If you're unsure what to do with your body, try subtly mirroring the other person. If they're leaning back in their chair with one arm behind it, you can do something similar. If they're standing with their arms crossed, don't mirror that, that's defensive body language. But in general, mirroring creates subconscious comfort and rapport. The key word here is subtle. You’re not mimicking them like a cartoon character; you’re just naturally falling into a similar rhythm.

Everything I've talked about so far has been approaching one person. What if you want to talk to a group, or someone within a group? This is harder, but the basics are still the same. A group is a unified field with combined strength. If you can make one person in that group like you, you can shift the entire group's energy in your favor. Start with whoever seems most open or who makes eye contact with you first. Once you've got one person engaged, the rest will follow.

Now, failure happens. You're not always going to succeed. If you feel the momentum dying down, if someone seems distant or their tone drops, these are signs to gracefully exit. I’ve had plenty of moments where I said the wrong thing, or I knew the conversation wasn’t going anywhere. Just say "Well it was nice meeting you" and move on. No big deal.

The right mindset

Before you approach anyone, let go of expectations. Don't walk up thinking "I need to get their number" or "This person could be my future best friend". That kind of pressure kills the natural flow. The reality is you'll only meet most people once. A tiny percentage become friends, and an even smaller percentage become something romantic. So treat each interaction like what it is: a chance to have an interesting conversation with someone new. Have fun with it, stay present, and the meaningful connections will happen naturally.

People will forget the specific things you said to them. They won't remember whether you asked about their phone case or their shoes. But they will always remember how you made them feel. When you let your intrusive thoughts win, when you bring that authentic energy into a conversation, you create a feeling that sticks with people. That's what makes you memorable. That's what makes people want to see you again.

Your ability to talk to people is one of the most important skills you can develop. Every part of your life depends on it. Your career, your friendships, your relationships. Master this, and I promise you, doors will open that you didn't even know existed.

I recently started posting vlogs about SF tech culture. A lot of the content is talking to random people. If you want to see this framework in practice, check out my videos here.